Ranking The Beatles’ Albums from Best to Worst

Beatles albums are like assholes. Everybody has an opinion on them. Unfortunately, most of the opinions out there are influenced by the bullshit ideas the media pushes on us every day: that the Beatles were “influential,” that the Beatles were “important,” and that the Beatles were “good.” So, for International Beatles Day, the kickoff of the upcoming Global Beatles Month, Porkspork will be ranking all of their albums from best to worst.

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  12. Abbey Road, Let it Be, Rubber Soul, Meet the Beatles!, The White Album, Help!, Revolver, A Hard Day’s Night, Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, Magical Mystery Tour, Yellow Submarine, and Rubber Soul.

Fuck The Beatles. That’s it. Every Beatles album is the worst. Nobody wants to admit it, but The Beatles are an antiquated relic from the past, only relevant today due to the media’s stubborn insistence that they were popular fifty years ago. 

Fuck The Beatles. “Influential to music today?” Literally the only notable thing the Beatles did was look cute on stage and sell a lot of records due to that. Their music was never anything new, and in fact mostly piggybacked off of already existing musicians. They made the same music, but whiter and more marketable. 

Fuck The Beatles. Claims that they were experimental are absurd. They dropped acid and shat out a bunch of noises that George Martin managed to pick up with a shovel and process it into some of the least significant music the world has ever had the displeasure of hearing.

Fuck The Beatles. They ruined music criticism. Whenever some dumbass music journalist doesn’t know what to say about *any* song that’s moderately within the genres of Rock or Pop, they can just say it was “influenced by The Beatles” so that they don’t have to actually think about what they’re doing. The Beatles somehow became the standard for music by decades of ass-kissing, so now everything that comes out is compared against this uncontroversial fuckass of a boyband. Almost every band since The Beatles has been influenced by them, but only in terms of their marketing presence and incredibly mundane style that allowed them to be so easily shoved in the unexpecting faces of suburban jackoffs.

Fuck The Beatles. I’d rather have to listen to fucking Kings of Leon or some shit like that for the rest of my godforsaken life than have to listen to even one fucking Beatles song. God. Fuck The Beatles.

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