Teenagers Vote to Replace the Pledge of Allegiance with Ka5sh’s “I’m Depressed”

For almost as long as education has existed in the United States, students have been reciting the Pledge of Allegiance each morning.

Soon, that could all change. In a poll sent to all American people aged 13-18 last week by Porkspork, an incredible 97% of respondents said that they would like to see the Pledge eliminated from their school’s daily curriculum. As a replacement, three options were offered in the Porkspork poll: “I’m Depressed,” the Rascal Flatts version of “Life is a Highway,” and Lil B’s “Ellen Degeneres.” 

Amazingly, although 3% of responders chose to keep the original Pledge (a group that Porkspork’s editorial board will refer to as “goddamn bootlickers”), the remaining 97% of responders chose “I’m Depressed” as their new daily mantra. Neither the Rascal Flatts nor Lil B received a single vote. 

It’s unclear why any goddamn bootlickers still exist in this day and age, but the overwhelming majority of teenagers loving “I’m Depressed” comes as no surprise. Teens who are forced to come of age in this fuckin hellscape of an Earth have surely seen the worst that humanity has to offer, and to grow up today without acquiring a mental illness is to win the lottery. While not every teen has experienced the precise symptoms Ka5sh outlines, such as not eating or sleeping for four days, the essence of his struggles is surely relatable for many.

Because Porkspork has the unchecked ability to decree changes within the American education system, we hereby announce that the Pledge of Allegiance will be banned from all U.S. schools, and students will recite the following each morning instead:

Man, I’m depressed

Man I’m depressed baby, yeah I’m depressed

I’m depressed baby, I’m depressed

Man I’m depressed baby, I’m depressed

Man I’m depressed baby, I’m depressed

I might sleep for four days and never rest

You’re all irritating, I’m not impressed

Man I’m depressed baby, I’m depressed

Man I’m depressed baby, I’m depressed

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