What Your Local Barista is Listening to

As I sit in a coffee shop trying my damndest to write an article for this godforsaken website, the sound of my typing is accompanied by quiet chatter, the sound of spoons gently tapping against coffee cups, and my barista’s radio playing slightly too loud for me to be comfortable. My barista always provides a steady stream of “music” for daily patrons like myself. I’ve tried my best to tune it out over the past few years, but their avant-garde low-fi noise folk has permanently stained my eardrums with apathy. That is, until now, when my pent up frustration has finally forced me to ask, “what the fuck is my barista listening to?”

1. I’m Pretty Sure This is Bright Eyes But Even Conor Oberst Doesn’t Sound This Sad

I don’t know who the fuck told this barista it’s okay to play single tracks with skits from concept albums in public, but I would love to have a word. When I first started listening I thought, “oh great, old bright eyes,” but the longer the song droned on, the less coherent it become. Faux-Oberst got sadder and sadder (which I didn’t even know was fucking possible), and a six minute skit began (overlayed over dreary vocals). I don’t know how no one in the shop was screaming. 

2. Ska? 

It has all the same god damn elements of ska, but it could almost pass as something else??? Is this post-ska? Post-post ska? Ska did make a comeback at some point; I wish I didn’t know that. I wish I never heard ska again. But here we are, right after fake Bright Eyes. The sound of horns makes me want to chuck my coffee cup at the wall more than anything else this barista has played thus far. Ska should’ve died.  

3. Toes – Zac Brown Band

Does anyone actually fucking listen to the Zac Brown Band? Apparently. Really, how can someone sit down and listen to this. Life is NOT good, Zac Brown Band. Your country ass should not be fucking appropriating Spanish for rhymes in your shitty song, muchacho. And how did my barista pick this? This has to be some fucking attempt to listen to mainstream music “ironically.

4. Thank God- It’s Radiohead at 8:45am

I don’t wanna talk about it. 

5. Spotify Ad

My barista- and the shop itself for that matter- did not even bother to invest in Spotify Premium. “Hey there listener,” screams the most chipper fucking voice every 25 minutes. Honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if this was part of a “concept album” the barista added to their queue. 

Please let me know if there are any other shops in the area. I’m getting desperate. 

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